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I recently had a long conversation with a good friend and this post is born from that conversation and thus dedicated to him as well. He said a few things that really shook me up, and though he was really trying to help me get through a small rough patch in my life his comments allowed me to actually reach down inside of myself and pull out some great thoughts. He also gave me the desire to make those changes - at the core - that I needed and move forward.
Here is the last part of that conversation, the trigger! 
“You know what? You can’t change your core. If you are a good person and care about people and create problems for yourself because of it and their doings then you just really need to find a way to deal with it. You need to accept the inevitable fact that EVERYONE will SCREW you in the end. It is just a matter of time or the right situation [or wrong I guess] but knowing that it IS going to happen is the truth. I just accept it and try not to let myself get snagged too deep when it does happen. You see, when you let someone down or someone lets you down you HAVE to rationalize all of that. I always say “they f @#$ ed with me first” and as long as I did think that I continued to have that problem.” … Anonymous When I read that, I just could not believe what I was reading when I was reading it. It was just so fundamentally wrong. There are some interesting little wisps of truth, but the overall attitude and thought process was warped. Now I do need to preface this with these few comments. The person who shared their thoughts with me, is not warped, and one of the best people I know and I am proud to call him my friend. Someone who would give his last dime to help another (and I am pretty sure has). Someone who would do whatever it took to make right what has gone wrong and that may just be why it really shocked me. All that stuff about Leopards and stripes are for wild animals folks, and as we are all living and breathing humans we are far from wild animals. Changing our stripes is exactly what we can and will do. One of the best parts of our very nature is that we all have the ability to change and change at our very core. We do it all the time, so why not do it for our advantage and the advantage of everyone? Another one of those Great quotes tell us “that the only thing in life that is constant, is change” - well how about just a little bit of expansion on that very thought; Yes, change is constant, but those “New Norms” that change brings about have to be dealt with at the conscious level and not sub consciously as our sub conscious has the tendency to take the easy route - the shortcut, and that is why really working on and training our sub conscious is such an important activity and should be worked on daily! So step back, accept the “New Norm” and simply call it you!
It really is a matter of perspective. Most of my regular readers are full aware of the fact that I have major issues with “The Secret.” I believe that it brings about stagnancy and complacency. It squashes motivation and ambition by promising the completion of your goals by some voodoo magic called wishing and hoping. Wishing and hoping work great in Disney Movies. In real life all those hopes and dreams need to be backed up by real work and effort. But that Secret does bring about some interesting, important, and valid points. Instead of working towards your positive goals with all the desire and motivation you can muster; the Secret allows you to easily slip into a negative mind set and thought process. I do not think I want to go into a “The Secret Rebuked” piece here maybe another day, but realize you are setting yourself up for all those disappointments my friend alluded to. It is not that you expect that bad things will happen so they do, what it is, is that you wished and hoped for all those good things and then they didn’t come. They didn’t come because you expected them to just happen. Now please realize that the skill of visualizing what it is you want is a great one. You need to see it and feel the pull towards it and really live it - even before it exists in your life. But you need to WORK for it or it does not happen! Give me a break guys… if I wish for a great wife - leaving a spot on my bed for where she will eventually sleep with me - gets me a cold spot on the bed and that is all it gets me! Thinking about that parking spot I really want at the mall - sets me up for a fight with the driver who stole the one that “was in my destiny.” I could list many examples, but read the book - it is quite funny at times. When I want a great spot at the mall, I show up early. Better yet, take the one far away from the entrance and get a bit of exercise with that long walk in before you hit the food court. I am happy to say that my friend found his New Norm, changed at his core and with just a little nudge - a little positive Ya-ttitudeTM and lot’s of friendship, now lives the idea that no one is out to get him; and if it by chance things don’t go exactly as he wanted, it became a life-lesson not a inevitable occurrence. And now you - all of my friends - If you live life never worried about disappointment, I cannot guarantee you will never be disappointed, but I can guarantee you will live a much better and fuller life. And on the day you seem like there might just be some disappointments creeping in… Smile and realize that all days cannot be perfect days, but you can always create a positive core, brush away the negative and strive to be that great person you all have in you! And because I promised.
Here is that silly video you all wanted to see…
Ben
; ?>)
December 16th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
It’s certainly been one heck of a ride my friend.. and I wish my original comments were still in my head! But this will suffice for the time being.. and I’ve just learned soooo much - even under fire.. I’ll let you explain the “holding of the breath”
December 16th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Thanks so much for all the Help Susie! See - A little wishing and a whole lot of work! No breath holding - I knew you could do it! Thanks so much again!
December 17th, 2008 at 12:21 am
Hey Luv, it’s a goer!!! Both the comment box and this post. I love what you wrote here. It is powerfully freeing for me and others. I agree with you. You make some lovely and solid examples here which I so relate to. I have really enjoyed your outspoken insights into The Secret and related-type of thinking. My dear Benny, I also LOVE the hope and encouragement you give to people at the same time that you dismantle the illusion (delusion). The place you are coming from is solid and grounded and real for me. I live in that place. Thank you Ben so much….and you just keep trusting that beautiful heart of yours. It “knows”. Hugs, Robin
December 17th, 2008 at 12:49 am
I can’t say that I agree with your take on the Secret (it’s simplified, but not entirely incorrect), but I do agree with the basic premise of the article. Setting goals, having hope, moving forward - reaching forward is what keeps us up and positive and moving. There may be disappointments, but you get back on track and make what you want happen in your life. There is work involved, dedication, faith, vision - and you can’t let the bumps in the road deter you.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:39 am
Hey Melissa (I owe you a ton of stuff - but have been crazy - I promise - we are next up on the work schedule)
—You do not have to agree - Generally because I am right… laughs No - we all have our own take - but just from knowing you - I do not see a drop - of laid back and wait for it to happen - in you - at all!
December 17th, 2008 at 6:31 am
What I love so much about this blog is that it reminds you that you ARE in charge of your own life. You can control your thoughts and your mind so that the outcome of any situation is the one that you desire. It is easy to forget that in the daily shuffle, but these posts always motivate me to take more control of my own life.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Thanks Kells - Glad that my writing(s) can help you. I am glad when it helps even a little and remember…
Surround yourself with positive energy and praise! Don’t let those fears from Criticism and Embarrassment sap and of your positive energy, and of your Ya-ttitude. The further you remove yourself from the source the sooner and quicker these fears are gone. Have faith in you and your journey - I already do!
Ben
December 17th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
LOL Benny… Interesting.. it is when I sit back and “wait” that I end up completly frustrated… so you’ve got a point there.
December 17th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Melissa - You know - I believe that the visual part of the Secret is important - the “wish upon a Star” part is just too Disney for me. I know what my hopes and dreams are… I also know that if I don’t go after them and fight for them with all I have - they tend to slip away - and I have no one to blame but me… not Even Rhonda Byrne can help me then
December 17th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Ben,
Great article. I’m not sure about being able to change a person’s core. We may think differently about “core”. For example, it is just not in my core to “do unto others as they do unto me”. Can’t do it. Can’t be miserable or manipulative because someone else stabbed me. That is my core. I just sigh, and move on.
The Secret? he he. I probably like a small percentage of it. Yeah, the health part. How did my 10 month old grandson worry himself into cancer. Give me a &#*$#&%& break! A few parts contradict..the changing your mood part I did like.
Great points Ben.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Hey Dee - Thanks for the visit and the though-provoking comments…
The one real problem with applying many of the skills I teach is that they can be used for negative results just as easily as positive ones. It is up to you to stay away from those negative thoughts and stay on that positive road. So, unfortunately those base-core changes can happen in both directions. I am glad to hear you are strong enough to realize that you want to stay on that high road and walk along the positive path. See my comment to Melissa - but - I agree - work your ass off and get it - sit on your ass and get a big one
December 18th, 2008 at 10:07 am
I love how you presented the idea of positive and negative centers as a rational decision. This is an issue I love to discuss with people, as many tend to consider mankind basically good or evil without defining these terms or allowing for the ability of a core to change. I am also beginning to see the need for both types of people, as dualistic elements of existence lead to a greater understanding of life as requiring a balance for an appreciation.
December 18th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
@ Danny - You have definitely sparked some thinking in these comments - I hope others are paying attention. I did an post a while back on “Give and take” - Here is the link: http://ya-ttitude.com/blog/2008/04/02/ya-ttitude-give-and-take/
I think that may give you a bit more insight into some of my thoughts and ideas…
But there is always duality my friend — which side of that coin we rest our mind on - that is the key!
December 18th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Putting expectations on “people” will disappoint you because these are your expectations, not theirs, that’s how our inner self brings on negative attitudes. Finding a peace within yourself because of who you are and what you do for others is a path that’s hard to understand.
I do think we can manifest parts of our destiny, only because when we think positive, it brings on positive..its a magnet in a sense. When in conversation with someone that is truly “negative” in nature, shutting them down with nothing but positive, makes them shutter in their boots, sometimes this can cause an issue, some folks are happy being negative and do not recognize the new street you are showing them, and will strictly stick to those avenues and routes that are familiar..others, may just take that different turn.. and you have helped on their journey.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
@Susie… I have said it a few times… (well maybe more than a few)
Give positive and get positive
Get positive will allow you to give positive as well…
December 18th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Ben
Some of my reading lately has been about the inner workings of the brain based on recent research that is beginning to piece together what is really happening in there. It would agree that there is a core, also known as a familiar state that your body chemistry is comfortable with.
What becomes uncomfortable is moving away from that state. That is very difficult to do. We are addicted to the core state, just as we are to any other set of chemicals we put in our body.
That is why people stay in terrible relationships - their chemistry is comfortable with that set of circumstances. Actions that move them out of the relationship are just as difficult to do as it is for an addict to give up drugs or a smoker to give up his cigarettes.
In other words, creating the New Norm is not impossible, just willing to face the pain.
Re “The Secret,” I always find it interesting when people say it is “worthless” and then turn around and prove it to be absolutely correct. Yes, it is very limited in its scope, but the steps given are certainly a starting point. As Melissa points out above, ACTION is required. Only a simplistic viewing or reading of “The Secret” would suggest any other way to get to the results you desire.
Clients will not flock to your door so you can serve them unless you open your store and let them know it is there. On the other hand, when you build a strong reputation of service, people will drive hundreds of miles out of their way to go to Freeport ME to visit LL Bean, even if it is just to walk through the store and be able to visualize some of the events that could come about with the equipment and clothes that are available to them.
Kelly’s comment above is also consistent with the message of “The Secret.” YOU are RESPONSIBLE for what happens to you. The sooner you take responsibility and action, the sooner you will get the results you want.
A BIGGG problem we have is that people do not want to be responsible. Our litigious and entitlement society tells us we “deserve” and as a result the “hoping and wishing” thinking comes out of a viewing of “The Secret.”
The playing field is not level. Everyone has different challenges to get to their goal. The solution is in how you deal with those challenges.
A quote in one of my trainings says “The Mayor and The Beggar have both been faced with challenges in getting to where they are in life. The different results come from how they dealt with those challenges.”
Thank you for your thoughts.
December 18th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Thanks for the “Post” Jeff… So much there and so many places to go…
I guess the best way to dive into that in on paragraph/thought at a time…
You seem to be describing Habit more than a core state - but in either case - Replacing one “Habit” with another “Habit” is always possible and will take a bout 30 days to take hold. Difficult… perhaps - Possible - Definitely…
Creating a new norm? Well that happens every time there is a change. When you were a kid, then a teen, then a man in his twenties and now - each of those are and were new norms. With many other ones in between as well. It is what you do and how you act withing the new norm that forms the core!
Actually What Kells is trying to say is: Never let another control YOUR thoughts - they are yours. They are the one thing that is truly yours. Never give them away to another to use in any way - especially against you. Difficult is the ability to realize that you have control over YOUR emotions - but you do! Never give someone the ability or chance to control them for you!
I am thinking if I actually said “worthless” - do not think so… It has its uses. Visualization is a great tool when it comes to your success. But again - if you sit on that ass - the only thing that gets bigger IS your ass!
The playing field is actually QUITE level. My talent maybe be different than yours… But who is to say it is better or better suited for what my true future in life is? And where their may seem some imbalance - and that would only be in your mind - not in reality - you can always fill in the blanks with a quality team of friends and a well-thought-out Master Mind Alliance. There are no obstacles my friend - except the ones you give to yourself…
February 5th, 2009 at 10:56 am
wonderful
February 5th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Interesting.. it is when I sit back and “wait” that I end up completly frustrated… so you’ve got a point there.
February 7th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Well done. All I can add is that you remind me that sometimes a passing word to a friend, can be a powerful catalyst for change or introspection..