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The Fear of Loss of Love - The Love Connection
Your Personal Love Potion!
This is the fear that has really given me the most trouble to write about. I have had “the block” for two weeks when I think of writing about this one. I have started and torn out various pages from my notebook. It is not because I do not understand where the fear was born. It is definitely not because I lack any understanding in regards to why people do have this fear or why they come to have this fear either. My issues with this fear seem to be so much more personal where this often debilitating fear - The Fear of the Loss of Love is concerned.
You see this seems to be a fear that I just cannot get my brain around. It may be because I have never actually felt it; Love lost during High School or that long-awaited date-gone-bad are really not prime examples of this fear at all. This is a fear that often sends people “over the deep end” and into “fits of rage.” This fear often leads to jealousy and contempt. It has turned the most respectable person into a liar, thief and cheater. It has ruined fantastic careers, great loves and the future of many good people. But that just may be where I have an issue.
Rewind:
I have used the line “Sometimes the good of the ONE outweighs the good of the many” a few times during my writings. This is a line I have used even more so when I do one-on-one coaching or business consulting; and that just may be my Personal Love Potion.
I love myself - I really do! I am not conceited or arrogant or even braggadocios; but I genuinely love myself. This is really the KEY, the SECRET and the basis for not being effected by this disease, or fear. Now - Say it with Me! “I Love Myself.” Now say it with a big ole smile on your face; “I Love Myself!!” When you start loving yourself you will be much better prepared to love others, to feel secure and confident in their love and be secure and confident enough in yourself to realize that you can now control this fear as there will always be love in your life. It may change and may hurt sometimes, but your life will always be filled with love.
Of course this disease/fear lends itself to many different incarnations and this is exactly where your faith when added to your confidence and self esteem become your Personal Love Potion! Your personal-confidence is important in all aspects of life and aspects of business but even more so when it effect the “affairs of the heart.” The Fear of the Loss of Love is defeated each time you use your Personal Love Potion.
Add faith to self esteem: Personal Love Potion. Mix Will Power with your Personal-Confidence: Personal Love Potion. Now try a cocktail of Will power, Confidence and Faith with a twist of Self Esteem and a dash of Concentration: Personal Love Potion Number 9! You are protected and protecting yourself by all that which you have learned and by the application of the set of general practices we have worked on to this point. You are starting to realize that each and every lesson we work on is just another ingredient in that recipe to your success. The ingredients can be modified to make your ultimate recipe - your personal recipe even, but these ingredients are your basic building blocks to your greater Ya-ttitudeTM and your greater Future!
This is not a fear I wish to spend much time on as it is one that affect the heart and the head, but is easily understood and easily controlled by the use of your Personal Love Potion(s). I do wish to shed a little light on three of the most common Symptoms of the Fear of the Loss of Love, but a quick-and-easy guide is all that is needed as I believe we do all understand the basic premise with this fear.
The finding of fault in friends, relatives, loved ones, business acquaintances and workers upon the slightest of provocation or error, without any cause whatsoever (a mouthful) is a clear-cut signal that you are falling prey. Go back to the exercise on concentration - use it to focus and relax, you can control yourself when you control your thoughts and your mind. Do not let it ever go as it is yours to control no one else’s.
One that you may not have thought about is gambling (we did touch on the lying and stealing and cheating - as more obvious ones). Gambling and taking unnecessary risks are another signal that the fear may be upon you. You need to more because you believe you need to impress your “love” with material things whereas you can impress so much better with the items of the heart and soul. Do not spend beyond your means or incur debts that you will never be able to repay. Those debts of the heart are equally as expensive. Pay close attention if any of the following occur: Insomnia, lack of persistence, weakening of your will, lowering of your self esteem, loss of self control a lack of self reliance or snapping and general loss of temper. Go back to the concentration section and work on those exercises! And finally Jealousy.
This habit of being suspicious of friends and loved ones with no reasonable evidence or sufficient grounds - That is jealousy! You do realize that often Jealousy is just a form of dementia - you don’t want to be demented - drink of the Love Potions - Mix them well - use them often and be all that you can be - and more!
; ?>)
June 27th, 2008 at 11:37 am
braggadocios; Ok Benny I need your dictionary LOL
Oh yeah I do Love Myself too
June 27th, 2008 at 11:45 am
@ Wendy - I use the same dictionary you use…
I already am quite aware of the fact you love yourself, isn’t it a great feeling!
June 27th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I think that when we fear losing someone in our lives though, really what we need is to be with ourselves. I don’t mean this from an egocentric standpoint, but I think that true love should first be with ourself…otherwise how can we expect anyone else to love us? With that being said, being widow is by far my worst fear. LOL
June 27th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
@ Doc Nicole - “Sometimes the good of the ONE outweighs the good of the many.”
June 27th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Benny - great piece here, we must love ourselves in order to share our love for others, when we do not love ourselves or are comfortable being alone with ourselves, we are unable to concentrate on loving others.
Prime example of the words you wrote: The finding of fault in friends, relatives, loved ones, business acquaintances and workers upon the slightest of provocation or error, without any cause whatsoever (a mouthful) is a clear-cut signal that you are falling prey
I got so entrenched in a position that was fruitless for me, and I was never going to change the negativity or the attitudes, I lost myself, I lost what I did was important and good and began the doubt. It is at that point, I lost touch with love and my loved ones. I didn’t hear anything they said or see anything they did for a very long time. I finally came around - with a little shove from my husband, and changed it all. I spend more time with myself, and the things myself loves to do, making me a better person and making me love me for who I am, not what others should think of who I am, or want me to be, me, just me!
When I found out that I can love myself, I found out that I am listening to others around me now, and not fixated on the negativity.
June 27th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
@ Susie - Goes back to the When you give positive you get positive and when you get positive you give positive.
June 27th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Great post Benny. This is such a huge fear for some people. The sad thing about it is it becomes like the fear of disease, a self fulfilling prophesy - when we fear it, it comes true. Well, this is really true for any fear.
I can think of someone I know very well who has this fear, and she has driven out most everybody in her life. It is so sad. She is such a hard person to love because she doesn’t first love herself. The real issues go deeper, but this fear of lack of love is destroying her.
I think you will find my latest post goes really well with learning how to love yourself.
http://principlesforpeace.com/?p=37
Gonna go digg and stumble this.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Thank you Benny for the reminder and as always, the inspiration.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
@ searching: Thanks for the legs - and it is my pleasure to help whenver I can
June 27th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I have always maintained that first love should be self love. This notion has often been misconstrued (as people have questioned me on this idea) as being arrogant of selfish. No no no. Not at all! If you cannot love yourself, how can you love another? If you cannot be strong for yourself, how can you be strong for another? When you love yourself and have self confidence, it shines for all to see. Your loved one in return reaps the benefits of your happiness.
People fear losing love for so many different reasons and it’s impossible to list them all, not only because there are so many, but because sometimes people don’t really truly understand why themselves!
As you say, Benny, add faith, self esteem, will power, confidence, and concentration together to off set the jealousy or fault finding for example, and you can help protect yourself from falling prey to the fear of losing love. And I love the statement made here that, “Sometimes the good of the ONE outweighs the good of the many.”
Doc Nicole, I agree with you. I worry about being a widow more than anything else. Not sure how to account for that loss of love! I maintain strongly, if someone doesn’t want you, why would you want them? So, if someone dies on you, not sure how to rationalize that one.
Thanks for the great article, Benny.
Doc KC
June 27th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
@KC - Rationalizing death has always been an issue, has it not? The logical answer (and not the heart-felt one- so do not think me an ogre) is it was just “their” time. No specific need to search for reason, faults and explanations… Now when you add the heart to that - it gets more complex—coming soon
June 28th, 2008 at 1:55 am
Thanks Benny for a great thought provoking piece.I sat here thinking for a moment just how powerful awareness is.We get a chance to look at who we really are and hopefully challenge ourselves to be better people.
I digg ya
June 28th, 2008 at 2:16 am
@ John - I know you love yourself, so you are one step ahead of those who are working on it - I also know you have a few of those slips of the tongue
- so we can always work on that too. Thanks for the support John, you know I have your back.
June 28th, 2008 at 3:47 am
We all have the same fear, but loving ourselves really is the start of truly being whole, well said.
June 28th, 2008 at 9:17 am
@ Sheri - We all have many fears - this is the way to understand and conquer them- Knowing yourself and loving yourself is the beginning!
June 28th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Benny - there is a lot I can say here - your timing, for me at least, is stellar… excellent post and thank you for the reminder
June 28th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Loving yourself for who you are is very important. You will probably have the kindness and the persistence to love others through loving yourself. Nice post Ben.
June 28th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Yup, its true i lost a loved one, and now, i realized to love myself m0re
June 30th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Well said Benny…your posts always keep me thinking long after I’ve finished reading…
Cheers
June 30th, 2008 at 11:58 am
@ Melissa - I hope all is well with you - anything I can do to help - you know the number
@ G - I is the old “taking care of number 1″ that sometimes confuses us. But we do need to take care of “us” too!
@Dyosah - I am sorry for your loss - and I am here if you need help - email me
@Heather - two things… I think part of the reason I write is to make you go - Hmmm and ahhh and then go and think about it for a long time and 2. I wanted to know how to order something from your site - drop me an email?
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:03 am
[...] The Fear of the Loss of Love by Benny says it best, he does do an entire series on Fear, I can not compete with his words, nor do I want to try. What I do have to say is, if we do not say what is in our hearts to those around us, you will eventually regret it. Life is short! [...]