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Fear; Criticism and Embarrassment - Be Gone!
The fear of criticism is almost as universal as the fear of death and just as destructive as the fear of poverty. The fear of criticism can and will rob a person of all their initiative. This is THE fear that destroys a person’s creativity and imagination - or at least the desire to act upon them. Criticism is an interesting “entity” as it seems so many people have a stockpile of it and are more than willing to share it with anyone who will take it from them, and are more than glad to hand over big doses to those who have no interest in acquiring any at all. Criticism so closely resembles free-advice as it seems everyone has some and is more than willing to hand it out with no service charge or V.A.T attached.
When we initially discussed the 4-step process to your success we touched on the need to keep your mind tightly close to all negative influence. Those negative influences can come from places you least expect; friends, family and acquaintances. Here is one of those grand examples of just what I meant way back then. It is interesting as that part of my 4-step process to success received the most “criticism” with many people telling me that they understood that they needed to keep their minds free of negative influences, but those very same people told me that I was wrong and keeping your family close no matter what their opinions might be is a better and clearer road to their success. Well here it is - I ask you - If your family is telling you that your ideas, your plans, your ultimate goals are foolish, insane, impossible or something that you just can’t do, show me the benefit of their constructive criticism. It seems that quite often family members are among the biggest offenders of this transgression. Parents often do their children irreparable damage with their criticisms and follies of embarrassments.
The old saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me” is one of those myths that need busting. Long after the bruises and the cuts have healed those mental scars are left behind, often to fester in our subconscious. The criticism of children by their parents should be looked at as a crime, as for any parent that works to build an inferiority complex in their children or any children for that matter through the use of criticism and embarrassment need to be punished for that crime.
Employers who understand human nature tend to get so much more from their employees by fueling the positive fires and staying as far away from the criticism as possible. Constructive suggestion done from the positive works, criticism focused on the negative fails, every time. Parents can and do accomplish great results with children using the positive-constructive approach. Criticism tends to build fear in the hearts of people and is great at developing resentment, but will never build love, devotion or respect.
Criticism and Embarrassment - Be Gone!
The fear of embarrassment is really a sub-fear of the fear of criticism, but I have received so many emails regarding the fear of being embarrassed that I decided that giving it a deeper look would help us all understand that there is no reason to ever feel embarrassed, hence no reason to fear criticism. These two fears really take little work to understand and then once understood, we are on our way to putting them to rest and eliminating them from our lives. Again, this is a look-inside ourselves and learn process; see if any of these 7-signs are part of your repertoire and if they are - you know exactly what to work on to eliminate being fearful of any criticism and all embarrassments.
Flashback; High School - Ya, you remember too, don’t you? For me it was this pop up down the third base line, Benny had a bit too much mustard in his hot dog (for those of you who are not fans of baseball, it means I was quite the b ig shot when I played), and with an incredibly stupid and showy attempt at a routine fly ball, I let it drop and the game was lost. I felt Embarrassed like I was not going to be able to live my life ever again.; but I got over it and learned an incredibly valuable lesson - I make a much better first baseman and use two hands no matter what - I know preach that to the kids I coach; TWO HANDS! Maybe it was braces or you were awkwardly tall for your age, too short, too fat or simply too skinny? Man-o-man do I wish I knew then what I know. Teaching youth my Ya-ttitudeTM is now something I really focus on. I try to instill lots of positives into their lives, listen we all remember that being a teen or a young adult in our twenties was not an easy transition and though it seems tougher to teach today’s youth, I have continued to work on it as hard as I work with my clients.
NOTE: As an adjunct to this post I am going to launch a page that will be filled with all of your stories of embarrassing moments and you can send in those stories as I will launch that page over the next few days. It is an opportunity to show you and everyone else that the fear from embarrassment is just to be ignored!
The Seven Signs:
Being self-conscious is the first of all signals. I recently spoke about some exercises that can be done that will help with controlling nervousness and unwanted or even uncontrollable body movements. Concentration on Controlling Yourself will help you immensely! It teaches you to be under control and stops those movements of the eyes, hands and other limbs that you are doing uncontrollably. This is generally expressed by being timid or nervous in conversation and when meeting strangers.
A few glitches in your pleasing personality will signal issues for you as well. You inability to make decisions, which can be helped by reading The Abulia, Decisions Made Easy post. If you find yourself Side-stepping issues and using the all-to-easy “agreeing with others” approach without careful examination of their intentions or opinions that will be a definite warning of the second sign.
A general Lack of Poise is the third sign. This is usually evident by an issue with your voice control, nervousness in the presence of others and a triad of “poor” - Poor Memory, Poor Posture and Poor Mind Control. Work on these with a visit here: Concentration; Ya-ttitudeTM-style!
I mentioned the issue of Keeping up with the Jones’ in the post Fear; I Ain’t Scared of No Poverty. This sign is all about you and your Extravagance. If you are in the habit of spending beyond your means and limit because you want to be accepted then time to look inside and stop!
Initiative and Desire (Concentration 102: A Ya-ttitudeTM of Desire) are the key focal points of success. A general lack of either and both of these - well you guessed it - the Fifth Sign. Desire and your Maxim of Effort will take you all the way to your success. Do not be afraid to use them - they are your life’s-blood and first-best option when it comes to defining YOUR success!
Do you feel inferior; to your friends, boss or coworkers; to anyone? Well here it is Sign Number Six! An Inferiority Complex which is usually expressed by over-seeking approval from others points to the fear of criticism and embarrassment. You will tend to brag; bigger car, bigger home, bigger words whatever it is you need to be bigger and better. It is designed for you to seek approval from others. Key here - Love you. Once you have figured out that you are the best person you know, the best person you can possibly be, then others will find it easy to love you for you -as- you love you for you now too. Sometimes the good of the one outweighs the good of the many, especially when the One is you and you are trying to find yourself. Find yourself first, and then others will find you too!
Remember:
They don’t care what you know, until they know that you care!
Finally a universal Lack of Ambition gives us the seventh sign. Mental and physical laziness, Procrastination and delays in reaching decisions are the start; but worse are the beginning of a well-defined network of gossipers and others to criticize and be criticized by. Here is the Negative begets Negative in full swing. Surround yourself with positive and you will always get positive. Be sure to always give positive and you will always get positive too!
Ya-ttitudeTM-Faith: Positive Faith through the removal of negatives that are blocking the flow of your faith to both your conscious and sub conscious mind.
We have all suffered through embarrassment, but once understood and ignored, it really just goes away. Ya - this on really is just that easy. Fear of embarrassment rears its ugly head way too often in life, but you already have faith in you and in what you do, you know you are the best you can be and are always trying to get even better, so why be embarrassed - simply a waste of time and energy. You are my best friend, wife, husband, boss and lover - I know you are wonderful and so do you - hence - never a reason to be embarrassed - ever!
Remember: Those who are trying to embarrass and criticize you are suffering from their own fears, a general lack of self confidence and are in desperate need of some Ya-ttitudeTM.
You might want to tell those who are going out of their way to try to embarrass or criticize you that they need to visit this Ya-ttitudeTM blog and inject some positive into their life before they speak another word to you.
So - ignore them; surround yourself with positive energy and praise! Don’t let those fears from Criticism and Embarrassment sap and of your positive energy, and of your Ya-ttitudeTM. The further you remove yourself from the source the sooner and quicker these fears are gone. Have faith in you and your journey - I already do!
Next Time:
We are half-way Home with
Fear; Illness and Disease
; ?>)
June 1st, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Hi, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. Everything you said on this post is very helpful, I told Mama to bookmark your blog. Have a great week, FEAR NO MORE !
June 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 am
Fear no more! Couldn’t have said it better myself!
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Wow You sure do give a person’s mind a load of things to think about.
In all seriousness though, were you aware that I could care less what the neighbours(neighbors) think, nor do I feel inferior, or even try to keep up the Jones’s.
As embarrassment well that just doesn’t happen much, not anymore. Oh don’t get me wrong it has happened, just like forever ago.
Now got check out your Pleasing Personality link. Cause I don’t think I have one LOL
Again an excellent article
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Thanks Wendy. But tell me/us - where do you think you were able to acquire all this bravado in the face of criticism and embarassment. I would love to know some details and I bet our readers would too!
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
You have a way of making me walk away while comtemplating about how one should respond to your questions.
Not at all sure I like it or not.
As for Bravado I don’t think I have any. As for why Criticism and Embarrassment does not bother me; Goes back to being little and a Grandfather I hated.
Need I say more or do you require details
Not trying to be ignorant, nor rude but that Man shaped my life in ways I care not to mention. I still bear the scars and …….
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
My job allows me the ability and luxury to ask question that provoke deep thoughts. If I do not have that ability then all that I do will suffer. I work to get deep into a subject so I can help. I am sorry if I touched a nerve, but it happens sometimes.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Benny don’t you dare apologize for a thought provoking article. It was extremely well written and it was my decision to decide whether or not to answer.
Your candor is way above board and love the way you try to draw everyone in with a response of some sort.
So don’t apologize, especially to me. I have a very thick skin and not easily offended.
Thanks for being a friend.
Now if you have another way to word things I would be more than willing to respond
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Smiles - thank you for the compliments Wendy. We may go in that direction - another time - another post
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Here I am enjoying another thought provoking and empowering post. I learned years ago never to give my power away to others. I know that no attempt to humiliate or embarrass me can be effective, unless I give the other person permission to evoke such feelings in me.
In short, I can listen to constructive criticism about what I “do” like blogging or work and learn from it. However, I draw the line at listening to or buying into any destructive criticism aimed at my “self”. I take nothing that is said to me in that vein seriously and if another person persists in criticizing my “self” or persists in attempting to embarrass me then my first impulse will be to ignore them - I don’t suffer continued communication with fools or abusers.
I have also noticed that the kind of people who seek to embarrass and humiliate others are easily embarrassed and humiliated themselves. They exude negativity and readily give their power away and they expect others to do the same.
There’s no way I’m giving them my power. They get my back.
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:07 pm
A favorite of mine - and something I teach and live by:
No one can cause you to have any kind of emotional reaction without your first giving them permission to do so. You alone are responsible for your feelings and emotions. When you know what you plan to do with your life, you will not allow annoying situations to deter you from your goals for long. If you set ambitious goals for yourself and work enthusiastically toward them, you will quickly realize that you don’t have time to allow petty annoyances to upset you and keep you from your objectives.
Criticism & Embarassment = Petty annoyances!
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Your message is a valid one.
The key to all these fears is to master your self awareness which comes from within. You are the center of your existence and therefore master of your own destiny.
Most fears lead to the fear of death. Death is just one more thing you have to do. Once that is realized then life can be lived to it’s fullest.
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Thank you Jubie,
We will be looking at the most universal of fears, the fear of death at the end of this series. But you are correct - knowing yourself allows you to understand and control yourself. Your fears melt away with faith in you and the things you do!
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:04 pm
An excellent article!!! So many people deal with fear and do not realize it. My favorite cover it up name for this type of fear is shyness.
People will call it a “personality trait” which translates as a built character type rather than a removable condition.
I love your view of constructive criticism as well.
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Shyness - so many little children suffer from this because of the intense criticism they receive, then they are continually told that they are shy - or over hear their parents telling others… “pay her no mind - she is just shy…” and what happens? She grows shy and withdrawn…
June 2nd, 2008 at 10:18 pm
This is such a great topic! Excellent post! I think so many of us were abused by the overcriticisms and judgements by our parents early on that we still continue to live in this CONSTANT fear. I think people fear criticism more than death! I wish I could go back to HS and relive those fun days with that much more confidence! Thanks for improving the ya-ttitudes of the younger generations!
Love it!!!
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Nicky - You are always so positive - you are just so great to have around the blog. You are so right - imagine being able to go back to High School with what we know know…
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:16 pm
I might have lead solidly encassed between my ears, Benny,. but I could never understand this fear of criticism stuff. If I’m doing a bad job, I know it. I don’t need criticism to reveal it. Conversely, if I’m doing a good job, I’m fully aware, and need nobody to slap me on the back and praise me.
If you are cognizant of these things yourself, what’s the problem?
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Jack - you are A genius… Has anyone ever told you that? Well if not - here I am! You are a genius! But remember just because you have that lead-packed-skull does not mean the rest of us do! You should be proud that you know just how great you are… Now I need to makes ure everyone does!
June 4th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
This is an off-topic comment. I wanted you to know how much I like your new theme - it’s cool.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Embarassment had befriended me a long time ago. Like a simple “slip on the floor on public places “, which happened every now and then. But I managed to overcome it and shooed it away.
When they happen again, I just laughed at them (literally!)
As for criticism, it never bothers me since. I accept it as a challenge to prove my worth. It makes me a better person. If we’re going to let it affect us, and we fail with our endeavors, we can blame no one but ourselves.
June 5th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Laughter and smiling are fantastic anti-negativity tools. I love the fact that you can laugh at yourself as a substitute to embarassment. Replacing bad habits with good ones are key!
June 5th, 2008 at 11:46 am
well said benny! it’s key to work through all negative images/worries to truly succeed. entrepreneurs cannot allow others to dictate the outcome of our dreams
best
June 5th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
You have to understand why they are there - they are there for a reason - but understanding and then controlling of those will make you the success that you want to be!
June 6th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
This reminds me of fear driven management -
Employers who understand human nature tend to get so much more from their employees by fueling the positive fires and staying as far away from the criticism as possible. Constructive suggestion done from the positive works, criticism focused on the negative fails, every time
There is no excuse for it, if you place people in place for what they specialize in,why would people constantly criticize what they do not know? I have seen this more and more lately in the job market, and still do not understand it.
It essentially as you said, ruins your entire creative pattern, and will slowly degrade your loyalty and drive.
June 6th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
You are so right. I actually touched on that subject a few posts ago.
http://ya-ttitude.com/blog/2008/05/16/concentration-control-yourself/
Take a peek - let me know what you think. It is so tough on people who work in that kind of environment.
June 6th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I actually did a post that goes over the traits of great leaders and leaders that were not so great here:
http://ya-ttitude.com/blog/2008/03/05/ya-ttitude-on-leadership/
It also talks about creating a positive work place to get positive results from your employees and yourself
June 8th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
[...] that infect our attitudes in this modern age. Join Benny and his cyber-friends as we all work to combat our fears and criticisms, hurdles and [...]
June 10th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Thanks, I needed this post today. My daughter is extremely shy and her fear is being made fun of, or farting in front of the class, saying something wrong and everyone laughing. She has that has to please everyone attitude and I’m trying to get her over that.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
You are very welcome. Tell your daughter that she is the best daughter in the world and that there is nothing she could ever do that would make you change your mind. BTW: I have seen that many children are shy - because their parents tell “others” that “my little girls is really shy” - when they hear that - they assume they are - and that it is what they become. Try telling your friends and let your daughter hear about how great she is - and how amazing she is with other people and how other people and her school friends and such love her… She will open up and drop that shyness!
B
June 11th, 2008 at 10:09 am
wow great advice, I never would of thought of that! Thanks
June 11th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
My Pleasure. Childen believe what they hear. And when they hear you telling everyone that “she is shy” - whe will be. The great thing is she will believe that she is not when she hears it enough times too! Now go - spread the word!
June 17th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
One of the most common, corrosive threads in our multi-generational human cultures and societies is Approval Addiction, aka People Pleasing, based upon the fear of not being “liked”. We avoid assertive confrontation with others who are judgmental and aggressive, contributing to the huge amount of hypocrisy so prevalent in our individual and collective lives. While many believe that an honest expression of their feelings would lead to violence, the opposite is most often more true. By suppressing our emotions when confronted by those among our families, friends, and acquaintances adopting the idea of Authority, judging and controlling us, we build up a “pressure cooker” of anger, which eventually leads to explosive mental hijackings, when we will say and do violent things, hurting ourselves and others. Even when the damages are repairable, and some are not, the costs are expensive, leading to most of the guilt, shame, and remorse which drives us into other self-destructive addictions, including alcohol and drugs. If we do not free ourselves from Approval Addiction, most of our energy and intelligence is wasted in life until we die, bitter with disappointment for not being able to make all people “like” or “love” us.
June 17th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
First of all that is one great comment - it might even be one great post. And thank you for bringing that to light. I really enjoyed the way you expressed yourself and the emotional “fury” behind it…
Ben
September 10th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Benny I couldn’t agree with you more! Every few months or so I do what I call a negative cleansing, I get rid of all the negative people in my life! Once they realize that I really don’t want to have room for negativity in my life they either come my way or dissappear which is just fine by me!
xoxo~
September 10th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Thanks MMM…
I am not sure the “cleansing” is the way to go. It seems a bit harsh. You need a lot less of my way or the highway and a lot more of come and let me show you the way…
September 10th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Excellent, as always, Benny. As a child, I was painfully shy, and was referred to in my family as “our sensitive one” (not that they thought that was a bad thing, really). I’ve overcome much of my shyness as I’ve aged, and this article is a wonderful reminder not to let those childhood issues creep in accidentally.
Also, I can’t wait until you do the post where we share our most embarrassing moments. Mine happened in 7th grade, and it’s a real side-splitter! (Not so much then, but hilarious now!)
September 10th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Hey Kat - Good to see you here.
I need to get those stories going. If you want - send it in - benny at ya-ttitude dot com and I will add it on to the list!
September 10th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Benny, what a great article! I do not suffer from these fears, but reading this post helps me remember that others do and I need to have more patience and understanding. Thanks and keep them coming.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
GSG -
Thanks for the kudos - and I will be keeping them coming all week long!
September 18th, 2008 at 2:21 am
That was an amazing read! Everyone suffers from this and puts up fronts to shield it off. Unfortunately, those fronts can really put people off to the real you. This is a much better way to handle embarrassment and criticism.
September 19th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
[...] Attitude: Fear of embarrassment and criticism is likely robbing you of your initiative, stick to your core values; those criticizing you needlessly may need to stop by and pick up a new more positive attitude at Ya-ttitude.com! Tell them “Dr. Nicole thinks they need a visit to Camp Ya-ttitude”. Happiness: Lori, at “Between Us Girls” brilliantly reminds us of the top 12 secrets to happiness: Gratitude, optimism, avoiding rumination and social comparison, building social communities, practicing kindness, improving coping strategies (or developing them), practicing forgiveness, increasing “flow”, savoring joy, setting goals, engaging in spirituality, and developing both body and mind. Wow, I feel happier just reading that! [...]
September 25th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I think you have a wonderful insight into the psychology of the mind and i could not agree more with this insightful liturature. Thank you for sharing you thoughts
January 10th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Hey thanks for a wonderful article,
It helps me to understand myself better.
I talk at my workplace 1 day caring about what others say because I need to understand their criticism.
My boss told me its nothing but continue to call me names like childish, and petty.
I understand my fear of criticism but I continue to defend my point of view.
Is it wrong to argue back telling my boss about my point of views that seem childish and petty to him/her?
Should I continue to talk to further embarrass myself because it turns out to be an arguement?
January 30th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Great article, but *how* do I go about *not* feeling so emotionally overwhelmed and disappointed and destroyed by criticisms? My emotional response starts right with the “we need to talk” or even when an authority figure wants to talk to someone else - I imagine all sorts of horrid things are being said of me. I know it’s wrong, but *how* do I stop it?
February 1st, 2009 at 7:32 am
I think I probably picked up my fear of embarassment from my mother, who was constantly concerned that other people were watching and commenting. I remember as a student, wearing a t-shirt from a pub called the Fox and FIrkin, with the statement: ‘For fox sake, buy me a firkin pint’, which made her shrivel up with embarassment.
Although I’m much better these days, and fully subscribe to the view that I hold the power, and if I’m embarassed it’s because I’ve chosen to feel that way, I still have lapses where I worry about how my actions will be judged. And they’re about to be tested to the full: partly for financial reasons, but also because we want to do something different, we are planning to build a home from shipping containers here in Greece. This is a place where traditions run deep, and people can’t understand why you would want to do something different.
If we buy the plot we’re thinking of, we’ll be doing this in full view of the locals, and I can just imagine the looks we’ll get, and the discussions we’ll be the subject of. The language barrier doesn’t help either, as everyone gets to know your business, so maybe this will be the opportunity to finally exorcise the fears, as we spend each day in the full glare of the local busybodies!
September 15th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
Thanks for that! I will always remember being critisized by my relatives on SOMETHING whether it’s my grades, or my walking and poise, or how much learning I “should be” doing until I was 8 when my parents got divorced. I was probably going to be scared for life because on top of the feeling that I was never enough for my parents I had a feeling that I was the reason they broke up. I was painfully shy for about 3 years then one day I started talking in front of my class for the mandatory speech contest and once I saw that I loved talking in front of people and that people enjoyed what I wrote I just got rid of the initial shyness for the most part. But whenever I’m just relaxing during a break with my Ipod the shyness returns and I go quiet and self-concious. The scar is still there, I just found a way to ignore it for various periods of time.
I know that isn’t too healthy but my parents placed the self conciousness within me then they fought and broke up right in front of me, they’re still great parents who love me and take care of me when needed but they can’t go back in time and change the past anymore then I can and change how I acted for those 3 years.
January 6th, 2010 at 9:17 am
Thank you sooooooo much for your wonderful post… it really gets me thinking.. I am a person who is rather living in my own lonely world. I never share my feelings to others. I just feel inferior to others, I am very scared of criticisms and embarassments.. I dont wanna look like a fool in front of others and I dont think I love myself enough. Ive been laughed at and criticized during my school days, and now when i meet those people whom i think i could be laughed by, i get so anxious, i realy try finding a way to escape from that person, when i meet someone whom i am obsessed about and either i hate, i can never be normal infront of them, and when they leave, i just keep thinking abput it and i feel so down. I am always bothered about what other people think about me, i think i have lost my identity. I really get hurt when people laugh at me. I am very scared to move in a crowd, I cant be normal, ive been struggling alot through these kind of feelings, but i feel a little relaxed after reading your blog, i have bookmarked this site, hopefully i would be visiting too often for more… thank you so much for ur great workz…. two thumbs up